Wherein Our Heroes examine the cost of pints and pies at each Premier League ground, and find most clubs are woke. Chelsea have no chill on opening day, while Manchester United are in beast mode. Sheffield United and Middlesbrough supporters leave us salty. Respeck #blessed
Wherein Our Heroes provide an update on the Cassano saga, celebrate Manchester United’s new fan-designed third kit, and offer predictions on how many goals Chicharito will score for West Ham in the coming season. Kenedy is sent home after major social-media gaffes, earning this week’s Joey Barton Award. Also, MLS rejects a massive broadcasting rights deal in the name of preserving a system without promotion and relegation, and Jason attends the latest Cascadia match in Vancouver.
Wherein Our Heroes are haunted by Manchester United’s zombie-like ineptitude in front of goal, some West Ham supporters make our skin crawl, and FIFA’s cobbled-together attempt at rebranding their year-end awards is like Dr. Frankenstein’s ghoulish creation. The MLS playoffs are in full swing, with away sides in the first leg looking like lifeless corpses. Also, Adam spoils all of your favourite movies and TV shows…the horror!
Wherein Our Heroes perform the first Quadruple Segment for your auditory pleasure as Sam Allardyce can’t save his job with England. West Ham are in a world of hurt after yet another abysmal performance, with crowd noise being pumped through the PA at London Stadium to bolster the atmosphere and late-night tomfoolery rampant among the players. Atlanta United FC secure a manager with arguably the most impressive curriculum vitae in MLS. Also, Jamie Vardy’s pre-match diet is pretty much disgusting.
Wherein Our Heroes delve into the mailbag and produce a glorious rant of epic proportions from Brendan. Benito Floro and Canada Soccer decide to consciously uncouple, we wonder if Canadian players are getting their fair shake in the MLS, and London Stadium sees trouble both on and off the pitch (Payet’s Rabona notwithstanding). Also, José Mourinho yet again fails to pip Pep.
Wherein Our Heroes are joined by guests Joe and Greg to wax philosophical on the Premier League season to be. Together, we engage in the most profound punditry in the Northern Hemisphere, including but not limited to, our top 7/8 picks in the table, Pep Guardiola’s first season in England, where Leicester might finish, whether or not Paul Pogba is worth his transfer fee, and Big Sam’s propensity for steering England to glory. Also, we drink a LOT.
Wherein Our Heroes lament Joe Cole’s move from Coventry City to Tampa Bay, share our favourite Elton John tunes, and dole out the first on-pitch Joey Barton Award to Romeo Parkes. Jamie Vardy throws the mother of all parties and sits through a 7-hour tattoo session. Will Frank Lampard ever play again in MLS? Was Columbus right to suspend Kei Kamara? Also, BMO Field gets a sexy makeover in “Let’s Talk Aboot It” and the final match at Upton Park is one of legend.
Wherein Our Heroes get behind the need for more friendlies at home in The Great White North. Lescott and Agbonlahor don’t do themselves any favours post-relegation, and the Portland Timbers hire an Ivy League student to help build a champion, Moneyball-style. Jack Wilshere makes the podcast again, for dubious reasons. Controversy ensues in both Orlando and Leicester as questionable officiating results in 2-2 draws. Also, Jamie Vardy may have a future on the Great Britain Diving Team while Andy Carroll’s shoulder can seemingly move mountains.
Wherein Our Heroes flog the dead mule that is MLS officiating, question Louis van Gaal’s personnel choices versus Spurs, and sing Andy Carroll’s praises. Also, we dust off the Wheel o’ Segments…wherever will it land? Gary Lineker is made to write lines for his blind love, Patrick Vieira serves up some humble pie, and Michael Michael gets a nod for service above and beyond the call of esthetics.
Wherein Our Heroes review the Canadian National Team rosters ahead of February’s big fixtures, Jordan Morris chooses Starbucks over Beck’s, and Football Leaks walks the line between transparency and “blackmail” (according to Doyen). Costa rankles Arsenal, Norwich and Liverpool forget how to defend, and Aguero sets a milestone. Also, our Joey Barton winner is pure Gold.